The Tale of Two Tacky Tacticians
by Fimbleventr
Summary: Ethan and Ray were two normal guys...until they got sucked into the world of Fire Emblem! Watch as they go from normal to badass in the span of about five chapters! Chrom is now a douchebag! Rated T for language, might bump it up to M. D-bag!Chrom, OCxSevera, OCxMorgan(Awakening). Many other pairings too! Read now! Seriously! Please R&R! Can't stress it enough! Ethanial begs you!
1. Ethanial Prologue

**(Ethanial Prologue)**

Pain. Ah darn, I'm a goner.

Wait. Is that Rayderpis? Well I'll be darned.

What's he saying?

¨...can't give up! ...so far...thanial?¨

I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. 'Course not. It's because my vocal cords got fried by a Thoron. I managed to croak out a few words and curses. Then I had to wave over a healer, namely Serra, and then I could speak full sentences. I paid attention to our messenger.

¨Sir! Our forces are being pushed back! We can't hold any longer. Fostaire should be here shortly to ride you and Captain Ethanial back to the keep.¨

Silently groaning, I stood up.

¨We are NOT giving my generaĺ's damn keep to a bunch of crappy Ylisseans. Let's go.¨

Ray nodded his head. He silently strode out, his hawk mask shaking slightly, and Armads wobbling on his back.

Ẅhy does he look so badass like that? Sighing, I walked outside, and my demon mask seemed to wink at me.

¨Hell no. I'm not putting you on. I'd rather use Vaike. As our tactician.¨

Drawing Mercurius and Durandel, I walked out toward the enemy.

The man who rode to them, Marcus, only sighed. ¨I guess it just can't be avoided.¨

Then he rode out too.

**Hello!**

**This is my first story here on .**

**I love Fire Emblem. Just sayin'.  
**

**I made this so that Chrom and the Shepherds are the antagonists.**

**Joy.**

**Chapter Two will be up soon.**


	2. Rayderpis Prologue

**(Rayderpis Prologue)**

As I strode out on the battlefield, I remembered.

I remembered the time when we were on Earth.

Earth is home. My home. And home is good.

They say that home is where the heart is. And right now, my heart belongs to Earth.

Sigh. Great. Now I'm pulling a Cordelia.

I just wish I could go back. Why were we pulled into this sick and twisted tale of horror and sadness? Why?

I want to get out. But the only way to get out is to fight. Another sigh.

I drew Armads, and went out to meet Fostaire to discuss the situation. I found the chestnut colored man taking cover behind a wall, his silver lance almost to the point of breaking, and his poor wyvern laying still, its breath shallow.

"What's the situation, Fostaire? How many have we lost?" I immediately regretted opening my mouth.

"It's bad, man. We've lost twenty, including Jaffar and Rennac. We need to pull back now." Fostaire reported grimly.

"Damn!" I cursed. "Just who is out there, killing our best assassins?"

"Ray, I peeked over when I took cover with Fahren here. Apparently Gaius got a Reaper Crest. Turned into something nasty. Last I saw him, he was tearing apart Jaffar with two brands I didn't recognize. One was blood red and the other…"

"What? Spit it out, Fostaire!"

I yelled. "I saw...I saw Grima in there." He shakily said.

"No way...unless they fragmented him like in Sacred Stones. It's possible that-" I was cut off by a scream that pierced the air. "That sounded like...Ethanial? Oh gods no…"

We rushed to the area where the scream originated. When we arrived, the most horrible thing had happened…

**Yay! Chapter Two!**

**I will explain who Fostaire is, why my OCs have legendary weapons, and what a Reaper Crest is.**

**I will also explain why Jaffar and Rennac are in this.**

**See ya for Chapter Three! I do not own anything! Except OCs!**


	3. Ethanial I

**(Ethanial I: Self Inserted?!)**

"Yo!"

"Hey, guys, what's up?"

"Are you going to play today?"

"Of course."

This is normal. Really normal. Just a normal day for your normal guy. Until the afternoon.

Flopping onto my bed, I pulled out my 3DS from the shelves and turned it on. Selecting _Fire Emblem: Awakening_, I smiled. This was one of my favorite games of all time, combining strategy and action.

I don't mean to brag, but my avatar is all maxed out. Haha, in your face.

I went into my barracks and listened to meaningless conversations about dreams, hopes, and other random crap. Boring. At least Donnel found a tree branch. Time to forge, I guess.

As I moved Chrom to the nearest blacksmith, my screen began to flicker. "Must be an error." I guessed.

Then the screen changed completely. The image of an old man took over the scene. "Hello? Can you hear me? Hello?"

"Uh…" I was sincerely confused. "Yes?"

"Oh good, good. So now I'll be taking you."

"Cool. Wait, what?"

The old man reached out and a hand slid out the screen. Yes, an honest to god hand. Grabbing my collar, the hand pulled my head against the small screen. Just then, Ray walked in. "What the-" he started.

"Help me, you useless moron!" I shouted. "Now, now, let's not call names…" Ray said admonishingly. "Just get over here!"

He grabbed my legs and started pulling. "Man this dude is strong. How old is he?"

"One hundred sixty-three, give or take." I replied.

He kept pulling, but it was inevitable. Soon my head went in, then my chest, and lastly my legs. I looked back to see Ray jumping in after me. "I'm coming, buddy!" he shouted.

"You idiot! What the hell are you doing?"

"Saving my friend!"

He reached for my arm, but fell short. We endlessly continued descending into the abyss, the hand still tugging on me.

"Wheeeeeeeee! Where are we going?" Ray said so casually.

"I honestly have no clue!" I shouted.

Everything went pitch black after a while.

*_TimeSkip_*

I woke up in a bed.

Not my bed, but a creaky, wooden bed. "Damn," I said,"What happened?"

"We ended up in Fire Emblem: Awakening. No biggie." said a voice near me.

"Wha?" I swiftly turned around. And lo and behold, Ray was standing there. "There's no way…" I trailed off.

"Worse has happened to me. Last week, I was in Super Smash Bros." Ray said, like it was a normal thing.

"No you didn't." I deadpanned.

"Uh-huh. Well, I'm gonna go get some groceries. Wanna come?" he asked.

"No. I kinda want to...take it in." I said.

"Alright. Your sword, lance, and bow are in the chest. The old guy was nice enough to give us weapons, because we are in Southtown." Ray said.

"Great. So I'm basically a Great Knight, without the great or the knight. Nice. I'll look for Chrom." I said.

"Okay. Meet you by the church." Ray left.

I looked in the chest. All steel weapons, nice. Wait.

"We're in Lunatic+, aren't we?" I asked no one in particular. "I'm so screwed."

Then I heard explosions. "Well that's my cue." I said, running out the door.

By the time I got out, Chrom had already slain Garrick. Except, he had this creepy smile on his face. Like, really freaky.

"Thank you so much, sir. The whole town owes you." Random Villager NPC 1 said.

"Yes, thank you." Random Villager NPC 2 said.

"How about a reward?" RVNPC 3 asked.

"Hmm...how about-GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY!" Chrom screamed. Frederick and Lissa stood behind him, unfazed by his sudden change of nature. Only Robin looked sort of scared.

"But sir, we'll be broke-" RVNPC 2 said.

"I don't care. Give it to me. Give me all of it!" he shouted.

"Hey. That's not right." I said, loudly. I don't know where that came from, but I was loving it.

"Who're you? Random peasant. I don't care what is right or wrong, I take what I want." Chrom said.

"Fine, I guess you're my enemy now." I growled. Damn, I am seriously loving this courage perk. I drew my sword in one hand and my land in the other. "Come at me."

"My pleasure." Chrom whispered. He proceeded to try to hack me into pieces.

Note to self, never piss off Chrom.

His attacks were predictable, but were really strong. My sword did all the blocking, and my lance poked at him every now and then.

Eventually, he got exhausted and backed away. I took this as my opportunity to strike. "Hyah!" I yelled, before charging at Chrom.

Then I realized that my lance was blocked. By Frederick. I inwardly smiled. Time to drop the atomic knowledge bomb.

"By gods, I didn't think I would be facing off against Frederick the Wary. And I don't think putting up posters of a naked Chrom will raise morale. That's like gay times fifty." I said.

"How do you know my title? And my morale boosting plans?!" Frederick said.

"Eh, I have contacts. Gotta go!" I ran down the street with an angry Freddy charging and a pale-faced Chrom about to faint.

I'm starting to warm up to this life.

**Chapter Three...done!**

**I really love this story. I wrote out the plotline, so quick updates, I hope.**

**I do not own anything. Except OCs. EisLord, out.**


	4. Paralogue 1: An Explanation of Our Minds

**(Paralogue I: Rayderpis. "An Explanation Of Our Minds.")**

Where do I start?

I guess I should start with the composition of my mind.

Mine is somewhat twisted. Maybe disciplined.

I dream of pegasi getting devoured by Grima, who in turn is being eaten by Old Hubba.

Twisted? No, demonic.

When I was fifteen, I started having these sort of dreams. Then one day…

These dreams became reality.

For example, last week, I was in Super Smash Bros. I was hyped, because I haven't really been in a fighting game like this before.

Until I found out I could die.

In my dreams, I thought that it would be funny if Mario died. I shrugged it off, thinking it was my twisted mind again.

But when I turned on the game, the same old dude that dragged us into Fire Emblem threw me in the game.

I thought it was cool, playing the storyline as myself. Then, when I was watching Kirby and Mario fight in the beginning, Kirby beat Mario, and sent him flying off the screen. As usual, the red cannon fire thing appeared.

I waited for Mario's token thing to come down, but it didn't. I waited in silence for five minutes. Then it hit me.

Mario died.

I found new strength to carry me through the game, and soon enough, I beat it and returned home.

No time had passed.

I kept quiet about it. I followed Ethan home because I wanted to play Fire Emblem too. When I stepped inside the house, I heard shouts of protest. I rushed upstairs only to see Ethan being pulled inside his DS by the same weird old dude.

I tried pulling him out, but to no avail. Then we got transported to Fire Emblem.

Enough about my mind and experiences.

Ethan's mind is pretty trippy.

He basically tells me everything, from girls to sports to achievements in general. He told me his dreams one day.

This is his jacked up dream.

One day, Ethan was walking in a forest when a Muk comes from nowhere. It used Acid, then ran away.

He shrugged it off, because he knew it was a dream.

Then, rainbows appeared, and they all ended at the same place. He followed them, and found Emmeryn sharting out rainbows.

Emmeryn was then stabbed by Chrom, healed by Lissa, and eaten by Nowi.

This was when Ethan got involved.

A goat fell from the sky, bleating and frantically shaking its arms. Then, it grew wings, angel wings, mind you, and started pooping.

And out of the fecal came multiple Ethans. And they all farted in unison.

This was when he woke up.

And now, you see, our minds are now explained.

**Paralogue I, complete!**

**I had to think hard to write all the dreams. **

**Chappie 4 coming soon! **

**I don't own anything, except OCs.**


	5. Ethanial II: Bandits?

**(Ethanial II)**

Have you ever had an angry Frederick charging at you at full speed?

I think not.

Running through a seemingly small town being chased by a gay knight was not on agenda today.

As I turned the corner of yet another lame NPC building, I saw more bandits.

"Damn, the gods must really hate me."

A crash of thunder sounded through the sky.

"Oh. You exist. Sorry."

I pulled out my bow and arrows and shot the first bandit. Whoa! Right in the neck!

Aw crap, they noticed me. Too late to pull out my sword.

I bow smashed the guy in front. Like Green Arrow in Injustice. Lethal.

Jumping, I twisted in the air and shot off three more arrows. Three more bodies thudded to the ground. Hot damn, what am I, Legolas?

I was about to snipe the last bandit, but Freddy beat me to it.

"Pick a god and pray!"

I then realized that it is not a good idea to stand in front of Frederick.

Sprawling, I groaned in pain. I felt around in my pockets. Yes! My transformation came with a free vulnerary!

Drinking it, I immediately felt ten times better.

I ran ahead of the great knight, hoping he wouldn't notice me. He did.

"You won't get away, peasant!" he screamed.

Just then, a hand axe found its way into his shoulder.

"C'mon, let's go." Ray said.

"Yeah, yeah." I replied, jogging after him.

As we neared the gate, we saw more brigands, packing heat.

As in axes and swords and tomes, dumbass. Not guns.

Thanks to Fire Emblem logic, we jumped over them and sprinted out of town.

"We won't be safe for long. Let's go, man." Ray said.

"Hey, thanks, Ray. For, ya know, saving my hide." I said.

He just looked at me, not answering.

"I said, 'Thanks, Ray.'" I repeated.

"My name isn't Ray. It's Rayderpis, now." He stated plainly.

Oh, for the love of the gods-

More thunder.

Fuck you too.

**Chapter Four, complete!**

**Thanks for reading. Over one hundred views, wow! **

**And thanks to WatchdogWriter for looking out for me. **

**Chapter Five soon.**

**I don't own anything, just OCs!**


	6. Rayderpis I: Escape Southtown

**(Rayderpis I: Escape Southtown's Wrath!)**

We ran into the sunset.

No, literally, into the sunset.

Apparently, gods existed in this world, and Ethan was cursing them.

"Ethan, if we get caught, we need to get you a cover name." I said rather sagely.

"No." Came the reply.

"Come on."

"No."

"Eh, fine. Whatever." I shrugged it off.

"What should my cover name be?" he asked.

'_Oh for the love of God-' _Cue roar of thunder. '_Sorry. Gods.'_

"Something cool." Was all I said.

"Then my name will be...Ethanial!" he said proudly.

Sigh. #cordelia

An arrow whizzed past my ear. Two, three. "You think they found us?" I asked, sarcastically.

"No-gah!" Ethanial screamed. "Nogah? What is that? A character?"

"No, idiot, I got shot with an arrow. They sent bow knights or nomads, whatever we call it now."

"This early in the game? Well, that's Lunatic+ for you."

I feel like crying now that I said that. #lissa

We could now hear the clopping sound of hooves behind us. "Which way are we going, anyways? We should've reached the burning forest by now." Ethanial asked.

"We're going south. To the Outrealms." I replied.

"Why there?"

"We need the help of a certain person."

"And who may that be?"

"Marth."

I could hear his little spit-take.

"No way…"

"How are you holding up? With the arrow in your shoulder and all."

"Fine. I drank the rest of my vulnerary."

Why didn't you do that in the first place?

"Wait. Isn't the road between Southtown and the gate water?"

Screw your knowledge.

I could see it, the water's edge. A ferryman was standing there, wearing Ylissean colors, his bronze axe raised at us.

All of a sudden, he was shot down.

I looked to my left and saw Ethanial, bow raised and everything. "He's a Ylissean." He didn't even bother to explain the rest.

We hopped on the boat and actually saw the threat.

Ten nomads/bow-knights. Oh.

_Oh._

We found an Elwind in the boat. "Can you use magic?" I asked. "No, just the my bow and melee weapons."

I guess now's a good time to see if I can use magic.

Picking up the tome, it fluttered open. The inside...was not what I thought it was. It just said, "Cast Elwind by saying, 'Et wind, el wind.'

Stupid, huh?

But soon enough, we were on our way to meet the Hero King.


	7. Rayderpis II: The Hero King

**(Rayderpis II: The Hero King and the Outrealm)**

My Elwind didn't last long.

Turns out my Magic stat is only 7, and that's pretty bad. But hey, my axe is cool.

So here we are, stranded in a small channel. And I'm pretty sure Ethanial's on his man period.

"Why did you stop?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"I'm tired, idiot."

"Oh."

This will be a long two hours.

_*TimeSkip*_

The Outrealm Gate was a portal on a rock.

As we approached the swirling blue mass, Mr. Smart-Ass said,

"We need to formulate a plan. We don't know how to even use the gate, and-"

I just charged in.

Surprisingly, it was like swimming underwater. Except you can breathe.

I saw a figure standing on a pedestal not far from where I was floating. And guess what?

It was Anna. Not Old Hubba, Anna.

"Hi."

"Hello! Where would you like to travel today?"

Omigod, stop being so happy.

"Altea, please. Era of Prince Marth."

"Sure! That will be 5000 gold pieces."

….What.

"That's a little expensive. How about...1000 and we'll call it even."

Wow. I never tried to be professional.

"Hm. Honey, bartering is my profession. I am an Anna, after all."

"You should put this on sale, you know, attract more customers."

"Be careful, dear, us merchants can cut much more than money."

Oh gods she's saying her battle lines-

Block! Whoa, tricksters are fast. Where's my backup? Ethanial?

No bloody time. Wait, that sounded British. Whatever.

Axe swipe, tome, swipe. What class am I anyways? Dread Fighter? Probably not.

Elwind, swipe, Elwind, swipe, Elwind, swipe, Elwind, swipe…

ElwindswipeElwindswipeElwindswipeElwindswipe

Forseti, Lethality...Wait, what.

Forseti...Lethality….

Mwheheheehehehehehehehehehehe

"I am the emancipator of the legion!"

Is that my critical shout? Nice.

Okay, she's confused...now….swipeswipeswipe.

Anna down. Down, not dead.

Dragging her unconscious body to the side, I looked out across the blue sea of...what are these anyways?

After spinning around in a 360, I located the place I was looking for.

"Imma coming, Marthy."

_*TimeSkip*_

Is this...ground?

Confirmed. Ground.

"Marthy-poo, who's this stranger?"

"Tiki, don't call me that."

Yup. Altea.

"If you don't mind, could you help me up?"

I was perfectly capable of getting up, but I chose not to.

"Of course. Come, Tiki."

As I was dragged up, I saw...the same plain Robin was found at. Wow.

"Are you okay? What's your name?"

"Morning, Marth, Tiki. Name's Rayderpis. If you don't mind, could you come to my world? Your descendant is being an idiot."

"Well then."

"Come now."

"As fun as that sounds-"

"It really isn't."

"I have to go defeat Gharnef. Goodbye. Come along, Tiki."

"If I help you beat Gharnef, will you come with me?"

Marth pondered this for a few moments, then answered.

"Yes."

Tiki protested, her voice ready to interject.

"But Marthy-poo-"

"Don't call me that."

"You must protect Altea!"

"There won't be an Altea to protect if his idiot descendant keeps being...well, an idiot."

There was a sudden explosion, and we all stared into the smoke in the distance.

I vaguely heard, "Screw you, gods!"

Only one word explained the situation.

"Ethanial."


	8. Paralogue II: Gharnef

**(Paralogue II: Gharnef)**

When Rayderpis, or Ray, I really don't know what to call him anymore, dove in headfirst, I mentally cursed the gods.

Of course, they are all-knowing beings, so there was a crash of thunder.

I sighed, waited ten minutes, then walked in.

The first thing I saw was a knocked out Anna.

I got a devious smile.

I bent down and moved her mouth up and down.

"Ello, mates, name's Anna. Today I'm selling a bunch of disgusting items at a new low price: 10,000 gold pieces! We have a boot, a steel sword, and a Dracoshield!"

I paused. Dracoshield.

…

Loot!

After I unjustly looted one poor red-headed merchant, I looked for Ray(derpis).

Seeing a portal leading to Altea, I cheered.

I dove in, not knowing it was a portal that led to Gharnef.

_*TimeSkip*_

"Hello, child."

Dear god, was I dreaming of creepy old men again? Last time that happened….internal shudder.

"I love experimenting on children."

Wakeupwakeupwakeup

Ah darn. That wasn't a dream.

"I see you're awake. I am-"

"Gharnef the evil sorcerer, now can we get to the part where I kick your butt?"

"Insolence! You will be my greatest experiment!"

Welp, that escalated quickly.

When in doubt, stab.

Wait, no sword or lance. Daggit.

Aaaaand he pulled out a syringe. Do they even exist in the games?

Now there's pain.

Pain.

Pai.

Pa.

P.

Oh.

"Aaaaaaaaaaagh!" I screamed. Sheesh, I sound like a monkey.

The throbbing pain didn't stop at my shoulder. It spread like a wildfire through my arm. The limb was practically dead by the time it got to my hand.

Is this what Owain feels?

Just to add dramatic effect, I said the accursed phrase.

"Sword hand...hungers…"

"Huh…?" Gharnef momentarily stopped slicing off my limbs and shrugged. He continued.

"He..hey."

"What?"

"Pick a god and pray. Checkmate, pal."

"What."

This better work.

"I summon thee, Mercurius!"

One.

Two.

Three.

Nope.

Gharnef started laughing.

"What was that supposed to be? A mighty call to the heavens?"

As if on cue, Mercurius fell from the ceiling and impaled itself into Gharnef.

Choking on his blood, he somehow managed to pull out the sword. "Im-impossible…"

"Yep. I'm legit. Now, Mercurius, cut me out of the restraints." The magic sword did as I commanded.

You have no idea how excited I am about a magic sword.

Hefting it, I smirked. "Mwhehehehehehehehe…"

Gharnef also smiled. For a different reason. "Fenrir."

Huh. Didn't think that through.

The black tome ignited, and sent me sailing through the roof.

"Screw you, gods!"

Oh no.

Sudden electrocution equals need of vulnerary. I really need a healer.

An ominous black thing rose out of the dome in which I was imprisoned.

"Don't tell me…"

Gharnef has a dark magic avatar.

Omijesus.

It looks soooo cool.

Never mind. Drink rest of vulnerary, pick up Mercurius-Aw dags it's gone!

Now I'm unarmed. Not cool.

Start running.

The avatar raised his arm and started forming a Nosferatu from its fingertips.

I seriously did not know that the tentacles came from the user's fingers.

The tentacles started following me around the field, red pollen flying off of it.

And duck.

¨Feel Falchion's wrath!¨

Chrom?

¨Dragonstone, activate!¨

Nowi?

¨Get up, you idiot.¨

Oh. It's Ray.

Open your eyes, fool.

I immediately did not regret my decision.

Marth and Tiki were owning Gharnef's green butt. I don't know if it's actually green, but okay.

¨Where's your weapons?¨ Ray asked.

¨Inside the dome. And thanks, Ray.¨

He looked at me dumbly.

¨I said, 'Thanks, Ray.' Wait. Not this again.¨

He just smirked at me. ¨I'm waiting.¨

"Thanks, Rayderpis."

"Good."

We took off, passing Marth and Tiki. They can probably hold here.

As we entered the dome, there were knights there to stop us. Except, they somehow felt…

Strange.

Ray used Elwind on one, and it was toppled immediately.

We look at each other. "Morphs."

"If they're here, that means…" Me.

"Nergal." Ray.

We kept pace and eventually arrived at the torture chamber. I saw the gaping hole and Gharnef with his avatar mode on.

I found my weapons in the corner.

"What should we do?" Ray, you're stupid.

"Stab Gharnef." Me, on the other hand, is a genius.

Me is a genius.

Sigh. Me is a idiot.

Ray started hacking away at the black mush, rather sloppily.

I stayed at a distance and shot arrows.

"Hey."

"What?"

"What class do you think we are?"

"I don't know."

"Well, I saw a class tree on a sign in Southtown."

"Really, now?"

"Yeah. I found what I match up with, and I'm something called a Slayer."

"Cool, what am I?"

"Uhhh….."

"You forgot, didn't you?"

"No!"

"Then what am I?"

"You are...a….um…"

"What?"

"A Lord…"

"I couldn't hear you."

"A Lord."

"Hm?"

"YOU ARE A LORD!"

"Oh."

"More specifically, a Gladiator Lord."

...Drool.

I snapped out of it when Gharnef screamed. I guess Tiki and Marth did their thing.

The evil sorcerer literally exploded and died.

Yay.

The Hero King and his pet dragon came running to us.

Him and Rayderpis shared some words and agreed on something.

Did I just call Ray by his Fire Emblem name?

"Yo! Marth is gonna come with us!"

Whowiththewhatnow

"I'm so sorry, Tiki. I must leave to protect their world. Protect Altea for me."

"Okay, Marthy-poo."

"Don't call me that."

I just took some time to process that.

Processed.

"Well then, where to next, Rayderpis?"

"Well, there's this one place where we'll pick up a certain red-haired man-"

Oh gods no.

"Eliwood."

Internal death.

Goodbye.


	9. Rayderpis III: The Rekka no Ken Gang!

**(Rayderpis III: The Rekka no Ken gang!)**

"Where exactly is this portal?"

Marth, as much as I love you, you're an idiot.

"Do you know anyplace where a portal might be?"

Good, Rayderpis, we're making progress.

Wait.

Am I becoming Vaike?

No more third person. Bad Rayderpis, bad.

Aw, jesus.

Anyways, let's get back on track.

"Ethanial-" Glare from said person. "-you fell from a portal inside the dome, right?"

"Yeah." Answer me yes, idiot.

"The portal out should be in the dome. Let's move."

"Who made you leader?" Gods, Ethanial, seriously, nobody loves you. That's why your girlfriend broke up with you for me.

I just realized I left her behind. Oh, well. I was thinking about getting involved with Morgan. Our child would inherit so many badass skills.

"You're right. Marth should be leader."

"Right."

March, march, march.

Found it.

Jump through.

_*TimeSkip*_

"Mark, who do you think this is?"

"No idea, Lyn."

"Let's kill them. To be safe."

"Shut up, Hector."

"Whatever, Eliwood."

"Who said Eliwood?"

They all just stared at me in confusion.

"Yes, I'm awake. Don't kill me, Hector."

The armored man sighed. "Fine." He begrudgingly put away Wolf Beil.

"Who are you, strangers?" Eliwood.

"I am Rayderpis, he's Marth, and the idiot with his head in the ground is Ethanial."

A muffled "Hey!" sounded.

"Can we come to your camp? We have a lot to talk about."

"Yes, come."

"Eliwood!"

"Sorry, Lyn."

"I agree with my wife on this topic."

Wife?

Mark...Lyn...married…

Ship formed.

Eliwood helped us up, and Hector pulled Ethanial out of the ground.

"Air!"

He's desperate.

"Where is your camp exactly?" Marth, considering our luck, it's probably three hours.

"Just around the corner, sir. Come quickly, morphs are stalking our trail."

Eh, it's alright.

_*TimeSkip*_

Man, I did not know that bear tastes so good.

"More bear at table five!"

This is amazing.

I look over at table five, it's Ethanial trying to out-eat Dorcas and Bartre.

Aaaaand he did.

Pass out in three...two...one…

Faint.

Eliwood slid in next to me.

"What brings you to our world?"

"Huh?"

"Marth's too honest."

"Dang it, Mar-Mar."

"Heh."

"Well, it's complicated. Ethanial and I come from a world called Earth. Then, we got transported to the world of Arachnea, a few millenium in the future. We travelled to the past to recruit the Hero King Marth and past heroes to stop, well, Marth's moronic descendant."

"Wow."

"I know, right?"

"Who are you picking up here?"

"You, Lyn, Hector, and Mark."

"Why not my wife?"

"Who's your wife?"

"Her name is Ninian."

"Oh. She dances, right?"

"Yes."

"Cool. So-"

Explosion.

"Neeeergallll!"

Ethanial, what have you gotten yourself into?

At table five, Ethanial was standing crookedly, a smile on his face.

"Come to daddy!"

Oh no.

He's drunk.

We're underage, for crying out loud.

Pulling out my axe, I advanced.

"Wait!"

"What, Eliwood?"

"Take this."

Gained: Hero Crest!

Nice.

Use the Crest, man, use the Crest.

Shiny lightning! Feel the sparks!

A Hero is born!

Anywhoo

Fiiiiiight!


	10. Paralogue III: Nergal's Awakening

**(Paralogue III: Nergal's Awakening)**

I got drunk.

I decided to drink with Hector. Bad idea.

Stumbling, I saw that the Black Fang had broken the ceiling.

Joy to the world~

"Come to daddy, Nergal!"

"You are not my father, child."

"Poo!"

I threw my ale at him.

Apparently, quintessance is weak against alcohol. Yay!

"Agh!" Nergal fell in pain.

"Master! Come, Jaffar, Nino, finish him." Sonia, is that you?

I felt a cold presence behind me.

"Die."

"Nope!"

Knee to the crotch.

Jaffar knelt, clutching his jewels in pain.

"Jaffar! You meanie! Now I can't make babies tonight!"

"TMI, Nino."

"Huh?"

Crotch kick!

Heh. That works so well.

I now turned my attention to Sonia.

"Hiii!~" I drunkly sang.

"Move, swine."

"Noooope~ I can't let you pass!"

An unwomanly growl was focused on me.

"Then die."

I danced around her, smiling.

"Lalalalalalalala~"

"Hrghhhhhhhhh"

Huh?

"hhhhhhhhhh"

Hullo, Sonia!

"hhhhhhRAAAAAA!"

Oopsie. I got a booboo. On my head.

Hold on.

If I'm seeing Emmeryn getting eaten by Nowi again…

Godsdaggit.

"Bye-bye, Sonia!" Screw you, cheerfulness that was caused by the sweet, sweet taste of liquor.

I promptly fainted.

_*TimeSkip*_

I woke up on a table. Groan. What's up with evil sorcerers and experimental tables?

"Hello, child."

Nergal, you have one wrinkly face.

"I can hear your thoughts."

Oh, snap.

"Do you remember what happened?"

"Um...no?"

"Well, after you fainted, we healed you and Sonia raped you."

"Cool."

"Hm?"

"I mean that's cool."

"You're okay with Sonia raping you?"

"Yeah, sure."

"FINE! You called my bluff."

"I really didn't think it was a bluff."

"You infuriate me, Ethanial."

"Hey, at least I don't have to introduce myself."

You should also know that I uncuffed myself, Nergal.

"No you haven't."

Yes, I have.

Punch.

Send Nergal sprawling.

Run.

Wow, the Black Fang base is crappier than I thought.

I made it outside in seconds.

Waiiit.

I'm in the Dragon's Gate, aren't I?

Sudden explosion.

Weird swirling energy equals bad.

"AHAHAHAHA!"

Nergal, shut up.

"I summon you, o great-"

Scream.

Heh.

A dragon ate Nergal.

Waaaait.

Dragon.

HOLY

I'm not even going to finish that sentence.

"RAAAAAAH!"

Stop frickin' roaring, I know you're a dragon.

"RAHHHHH!"

Can it understand me?

"RAH."

Oh, no. It got Nergal's quintessance power.

Please dear god-

Insert crash of thunder here.

Sorry, gods.

Anyways.

Please dear gods, if you're kind enough, don't let me die.

Amen. Thank you.

"RAH RAH RAHRAH RAHRAH!"

"What? I couldn't hear you!"

"RAH RAH RAHRAH RAHRAH!"

"What?!"

"BY THE GODS MORTAL, ARE YOU DEAF?"

Maybe. Actually yes. Your incessant roaring has given me ear cancer.

Congrazzles, you have just made a new disease. You've won nothing.

Hold up.

Did it just talk?

"YES! I HAVE INHERITED THAT WEAKLING NERGAL'S POWER! USELESS OR USEFUL!"

Yup. I've officially gone insane.

"GOING ON! MY NAME IS MR. FLUFFLES!"

Are you kidding. Mr. Fluffles.

Cue laugh out loud here.

"Bwahahahahaha!"

Oh gods, I'm sweating because I laughed so hard. Is it me, or is it getting hot in here?

Oh. I'm on fire.

I'm on fire.

OH GODS I'M ON FIRE

**Hi guys,**

**I'm sorry I haven't updated in a few months, but I had finals and crap. Also, my sword arm was hungering for some combat action. I hope this satisfies you for a while, because I'll be updating more and more sporadically. (My parents restricted electronic usage. I'm sneaking this in right now.) #ilovemyreaders Keep reviewing it, so I can bend it to your liking. Also, if you want, request some ships if you want. Yep. FYI Rayderpis shipped Eliwood and Lyn. Okay, bye. R&amp;R, can't stress it enough!**


	11. Paralogue 4: Mr Fluffles

**(Paralogue IV: Mr. Fluffles and his Dragons)**

_Ray's POV_

OH GOD ETHANIAL'S ON FIRE

Eliwood and I rushed over, kneeling over the burnt guy. "Yo, Ethanial, you okay?"

He groaned. He's good.

I glared at the dragon. HE SHALL KNOW JUSTICE

I bull-rushed the dragon with my axe, with Eliwood right behind me, and behind him, the rest of the Lycia Alliance.

"I AM MR. FLUFFLES, MORTAL. SUFFER AND DIE!" the dragon telepathically screamed. He used Flametongue, and we tried to dodge, but ended up taking some damage.

Eliwood yelled at me, "Rayderpis! Erk and Hector are down, we need to back up and heal!"

I nodded back, and ran the other way, AWAY from the quintessance high dragon. I turned to go pick up Ethanial, but he was gone for some reason.

I dismissed the thought, maybe Marcus carried him back to our temporary shelter at that temple where Kishuna was.

I caught up with Eliwood. "We managed to hit him pretty hard, huh?"

The lord nodded. "Indeed."

"Maybe a hundred more times of this, and we will win!" I said, ever so cheerfully, whilst adjusting my glasses.

Eliwood deadpanned.

Don't quit your day job, Rayderpis.

_Ethan's POV_

I woke up to a blue room.

"Oh gods, am I in Asleep? I mean, no offense to Gone2GroundEX, I love the story, I just wish Anna was still alive. Oops, spoilers."

I looked around, with only blue for miles. I sat down, bored.

Cue the five hour timeskip.

_5 hours later_

I woke up to see flashes of light emanating across the room. I saw people come out of them. Wait…

Athos.

Karel.

Harken.

Geitz.

Wallace.

Isadora.

Heath.

Rath.

Farina.

Pent.

Louise.

Vaida.

Karla.

Renault.

And three others...OH CRAP ITS ROLAND, DURBAN, AND BRAMMIMOND.

Aaaand the squad is in.

Oh, hey, Xane.

wait

XANE

"I've brought you your army, Fellborn. Use them wisely."

Fellborn?

OH HELL NO

And we're back in Dread Isle. Athos stepped up. "Ethanial, Xane brought us up to date with your situation. We're ready to fight."

I nodded, not surprised, except that Fellborn comment the demigod left behind. "To arms!"

The soldiers yelled, and we made our way to fight the dragon.

_Ray's POV_

Matthew came back with good news.

"Lord Hector, I've spotted a group of armed soldiers attempting to kill the dragon!"

This perked up my ears.

"The only other militant force here on the Dread Isle is the Black Fang...oh, wait, I know who it is." I said.

Lyn faced me. "Who, perhaps?"

Only one name came to mind.

"Ethanial."

_Ethanial's POV_

As we made our way to the giant lizard, I notice the lack of my weapons. Instead, I felt a flak jacket with pockets made for…

Thank you, gods, why have I ever doubted you.

Magic cards. I unbuttoned a pocket and took out a deck. I flipped through the cards. There were some useful ones, like Strength and Reaper.

We took cover behind some rubble that was thrown during Fluffles' rampage. "Okay, ready?" They all nodded. "GO-"

I was cut off by Jaffar, who held a Killing Edge to my throat. "We'll join."

Behind him was Nino, Brendan, the brothers (Linus and Lloyd), Kenneth, Jerme, and Ursula.

"What, no Sonia?" I asked. Brendan laughed. "She got eaten."

A grin spread on my face.

"ALRIGHT! GO! FOR ELIBE!"

The others echoed my cry, and began assaulting the stoned dragon.

_Ray POV_

I can't believe he's actually doing this.

"Eliwood, Hector, Mark, let's go."

Mark nodded. "Roger that."

Before we begin the epic charge against the dragon, let me explain Mark.

He's just as badass as Robin.

Nuff said.

We made our move to the dragon. As we neared, I saw flashes of energy flowing among Ethanial's troops.

Who gave him magic cards?

"STRENGTH!"

I noticed how Geitz hit much harder.

"APOTROPE!"

The dragon use Flametongue, but it did no damage whatsoever. Apotrope OP.

Soon, we were pushing back the dragon. I smashed my axe into his skin.

"Ray!" Ethanial called to me. "BATTLEAXE!"

I smiled.

Hector and I brought Wolf Beil and Steel Axe down respectively in unison into his skin.

Ethanial soon stood in front of us. "BARRIER!" Wait, that wasn't a card, unless someone made up cards for him. Anyhow, a purple energy barrier like the one in the Dragon's Table formed. I saw Ethanial pull out three cards from his side holsters. And I screamed with glee when I saw what was on those cards, because he CANNOT stop using this spell in any game we play.

"FIMBLEVENTR!"

Six violent blizzards enveloped the dragon, eventually killing it due to the low temperature and cuts it suffered from the icicles.

HOLY

WE DID IT

_Ethanial's POV_

I slumped down next to Rayderpis in the aftermath.

"So...Magvel?"

"YOU BET BASILIO'S BROWN BUTT!"

"Well, we need an army."

TWO grins adorned our faces.

"Oh, Eliwood?"

You have no idea how excited I am about my own personal army.


	12. Ethanial III: Sacred Stony Golden Shower

**(Ethanial III)**

I looked at our little ragtag army.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

A collective noise of whispers were heard among the warriors.

Athos spoke up. "...HELL YEAH!"

Grins that could eat living crap appeared on Rayderpis' and I's faces.

"WELL THEN WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?! TO MAGVEL!"

We roared as the warriors dashed to the portal in the fortress.

I started to run in when I felt a hand clap on my shoulder. I turned to find Brendan and the remaining Black Fang members standing behind me.

"What do we do, cardwielder? Without any leadership, we're useless." the burly man told me.

"Welp, maybe you could go around and actually HELP people instead of sacrificing them to an old guy who gets off on their spiritual energy." I said ever so casually.

The Black Fang looked at each other and started laughing. "Will do, good man. Will do."

I smiled and chuckled. "Goodbye, Black Fang. Maybe you're not so bad after all."

I ran after the others.

_TIMESKIP_

About five minutes later, we happened upon Prince Ephraim and Princess Eirika.

...She's not my type. She's too nice.

Though the blue hair is cool.

Nah, Severa is waaay better.

Anywhoo, I tuned out the horrible and boring deal that Ray struck with Ephraim. Probably about killing Fortmortiis. Sucks.

Wait, I has an ideeeea.

"My good prince, what is the state of Prince Lyon right now?" I asked ever so casually. He blinked. "He's...not himself." Okay we've established that. "Do you know where he is?" Eirika spoke up this time. "He's in Darkling Woods, we've trapped him there with Riev."

Blink once. Eirika's never been so confident. Blink twice. Accept reality. "I'll be back." I said, and pulled a card out from my holster. "Warp!"

Blimey, that worked. I'm in Darkling Woods. Sadly, I'm next to Riev and Morva. "Hello, chaps, nice to see you. Aaaaand Reaper." Riev went down instantly, however Morva was a bit more durable than I expected. I dove to the ground and snatched the Aura tome. "Transfer!" It turned itself into a stack of neat cards. Taking cover behind a tree, I flipped through them. A Light deck, with no Anima or Dark whatsoever. And since Morva was a Draco Zombie, fortune was on my side. I rolled from out behind the tree and threw some cards. "Divine!" They hit the Manakete hard, and I just needed one more blow to finish it. Time for some derps. "Lightning!" The weakest spell toppled my enemy, and he dissolved into purple mist, like the Risen.

"Rest in peace, dude. I could've used your help." I entered the temple, to find a whole crapton of zombies and monsters. I raised my Light deck. "LET'S GO, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!"

So a few Auras and Aureolas later, only Lyon was left. I think I hit my max level. The Sorceror looked extremely confused as to WHY his troops were missing. I busted open the bottom left chest and snatched the Master Seal. I used it, and golden lightning struck my figure.

You would've thought it would hurt. It tickled. Lulz. I looked down to find myself in what looks like the garb of the Saint class, except purple and black. The other notable feature is a lock and chain was strapped to my chest. The chain wrapped itself around my back to the other side. A key to the lock was tied around my neck on a thin piece of rope. If only I was a Dark Prince from _FE: If_…

No time for thinking about how I probably won't be able to play the newest game, gotta focus on Lyon. I slunk in the shadows, avoiding Lyon's gaze. "Come out, let's play!" Lyon screamed at no one, although it's probably directed at me. Back against the wall, I pulled out my Light deck and sped through the cards. I ran out from behind the wall and threw an Aura, Aureola, and Luce. If that doesn't kill him, I don't know what will. The cards hit him, it looks like mortal damage. He's not down though, so throw up a Barrier. Naglfar slams against my Barrier, some of it goes through, but it's not fatal. One more Aura should fell him. I flipped through the card behind my Barrier, but he's still hammering away with his S ranked spell. I found the card I was looking for, and powered my spell up with Magic and Sorceror, and launched it. It embedded itself in his shoulder, and did its thing.

Lyon fell in pain, hopefully he's not dead, we could use more Dark magic, because all we have is essentially Canas and Athos and Brammimond. Not that I'm complaining.

The demon arose from the body of Lyon, and materialized in the center of the room. "I AM FORTMORTIIS! YOU HAVE SLAIN MY COMRADE, MR. FLUFFLES! YOU WILL FACE MY RAVAGER!"

You have GOT to be shi-

The beam hit me fairly hard, my resistance must be alright. I drew my cards, and launched Luce at him. He blocked it with Ravager, which was probably his spam spell. As long as he doesn't pull out his mega-sleep spell, I should be fine.

I spoke too soon, that son of a-

I staggered to the left slightly, feeling drowsy. Gotta finish it up, fast. I hid behind a pillar and started thinking strategy. While we were preparing to come to Magvel, Mark and I talked about strategy, because we need to be able to counteract Robin if necessary. A particular strategy came up when we talked about big and heavily armored enemies. I guess it would apply to this situation, and since I'm running out of ideas….

I came out from the wall, and confronted Fortmortiis for the ugly bastard he was. "HEY UGLY!" The Demon King turned and stared at me. He seemed confused, as to why this idiot child was still standing from his mega-sleep spell. I glared at him. "TECHNIQUE NUMBER FIFTY THREE! GOLDEN SHOWER!" The demon was now REALLY confused as to why I shouted golden shower, and was probably expecting one.

Little did he know, he was wrong. Very, very, wrong.

I took my two light decks from my holsters, and I threw them at him..Yes, you read right, I threw all my light cards, at him, in hopes of killing him. I told Mark that I should've called it gangbang, but he said Lyn was opposed to the idea. Wait…

OH GOD MARK'S GONNA GIVE LYN A GOLDEN SHOWER

I pushed that thought out of my head, and watched as the Demon King slowly crumpled to the might of my Golden Shower….EWWW THAT SOUNDS NASTY OUT LOUD

With Fortmortiis defeated, I went back out of the chamber to find a sleeping Lyon. I hoisted him on my back, because hey, we need more Druid power. I opened up another Warp card, and stepped through it. Wait, didn't the Demon King use his mega-magic sleep spell…?

OKAY TIME FOR THE SLEEPY TIMES COME BACK LATER

The last thing I heard, though, was Mark saying, "IT DIDN'T WORK, MAN, IT DIDN'T WORK!"


End file.
